B0y B0hemian

The Blind Man Said

2010-11-22T10:28:00.002-05:00

If you know what to do with it clarity doesn't have to be this prolonged affair. I've always walked on the heels of this sentiment called lost. I've found treasures by not seeing where my black boots were carrying me.

My clarity was only 4 minutes this morning.
Hopefully that will last me...

SPADES.

2010-11-18T11:04:00.010-05:00

I dealt hands, played hands-hell, won a few books for your tired ass and you had the nerve to not only underbid but then go and renege! How did I figure you were going to come up short!?

I was loyal and strategic with my love!
If the board was your back I watched it closely!

All my feelings for you were spades.
I thought I tossed all the jokers out the last game.

Fuck that, I'm not going blind...!
Who got next? I need a new partner.

Tuck Everlasting!

2010-07-04T03:14:00.012-04:00

I can finally take my Band-Aid off! The wounds need air, but I'm healed! This year has handed me my ass but I never gave up on ME and my vision of ME! What I want to be, I am! What I want to do, I am doing! Where I want to be, I am going...

Memories are your fountain of youth! Indeed! My memories have a heart beat, but just that, a sound...and when needed I now know how to tune it/them out, but those other days I let them live, sit back, and sing a melody to that beat! Either fast or slow I let them live...

So nowadays, when you see me gazing off into the distance I am composing the perfect song!

no auto tune here.

"Touch this skin dahling, Touch all of it...!"

2010-06-25T18:07:00.000-04:00

I am brown skinned. My complexion glows like warm Hennessy...I've been truly kissed by the fiery lips of the sun.

Technical Difficulties.

2010-06-24T02:47:00.004-04:00

...we had our issues but those we could've worked on, but the bigger picture needed adjusting. Quite frankly, I don't think either one of us saw one another in ours after the fine tuning...for now at least!

A Peaceful Declaration.

2010-06-02T23:16:00.005-04:00

do not assign me as your savor or reserve me as your peace of mind. Do not cling to the thought of me so deeply that even I can see your lost. I do not wish to ever hold such a responsibility. Right now I just want to concern myself with me and only me, simply...

A Nameless Pain

2010-06-01T22:25:00.028-04:00

Today, like a skilled contortionist my mind escaped the prison of smutty windows on the D14. Mother natures morning yawn above the horizon shone warm and objectively without prejudice across the cold gray Capital skyline. The sharp reflection of her frozen tear drops lying delicately on each blade of grass didn't seem to phase me, nor the loud shuffle of leather work bags, or the incessant whisper of the poly blend work suits in chorus with the staccato conversation surrounding me.

The bus halted in it's usual fashion at the intersection of 7th & Independence Avenue and I exited no longer captive by the encased humming machine, but now by the blistering winds of early December. I began to walk down the pebbled street of Independence Avenue and was violently torn away from my thoughts by a nameless pain. Each bold step created a violent home much like my own in the arch of my sockless feet and nestled within the hinge of my knees. My hard, swift, and calculated stride somehow had matched the trembling thoughts going on in my head. I quickly turned down 12th st and my mood followed its cadence into the cold clutch of the morning.

I looked up and noticed the clouds and I wanted so desperately for one to stand still, to freeze and give me a gentle confirmation of some sort. My mind continued to drift as I made my way, and I wrestled with the wind and knowing the string that was once tied to my cumulus cloud had been severed. I floated freely just as the cotton cousins of the sky. I was no longer a counted for or wanted in the matrix of affection. I wanted and needed to be anchored. I needed to be held into place no matter my substance. I knew in my heart I would soon be a gypsy again. I was now alone in the city and running away from solitude.

Almost suddenly after concealing this odd thought in the back of my mind a cold loneliness crept up from my feet and I felt that once nameless pain had made itself comfortable somewhere far more familiar than my knees, but manifested itself in my heart. I continued down the sidewalk and down the dark corridor of my mind. The deeper the fall, the deeper the thought, the harder the stride, the emptier I became. I walked amongst the crowd in a fit of internal conflict completely empty as I pulled the brass doors of my building and somehow mustered the strength to murmur a generic Good Morning to the gentleman passing.

Design on a Dime. Better yet, a Wing and a Prayer.

2010-05-28T17:09:00.004-04:00

I feel small

a colossal kind of small.
Like paint dripping down a wall...

Good thing your the pretty one.

2010-05-26T00:43:00.016-04:00

Mary Garlington as Lu-Lu Fishpaw, in the 1981 John Waters film "Polyester."

Some things I wish I could do, but I don't know how to be dumb enough.

The Prodigal son

2010-05-24T17:41:00.004-04:00

Handmade oil painting reproduction of The Return of the Prodigal Son (detail -4) c. 1669, a painting by Rembrandt Van Rijn.

Almost a year later...

My wallet has worn a print into my denim. My shoes are tattered and worn from beating the pavement.

My ass, my thighs, and my thoughts have thickened. My eyes now resemble a deep dark oval tunnel of contrived clarity.

Fruition and an extension of my ends, simply...

Now I must feed my center.

Brother to Brother

2009-07-24T00:46:00.002-04:00

"damn, that conversation was so classic. we've really just have grown into men who know who we are or at least headed there..."

"yea, time really does shape you along with circumstance and i'll sure for damn say we've become something and for the most part we're embracing it but still cool with change..."

or at least I'll say, brother to brother."

"Admit your flaws LEO!" "Admit your flaaaws!"

2009-07-21T10:54:00.003-04:00

Writing has fallen into a place of submission for me...submission to my emotions, submission to circumstance, and submission to my craft but I've been submitting all this time and acting out of character.

I've forsaken my pen to submit not to my words and to my voice but to the voice of another. There is dirt in my nails and my face is smudged with shame and self pity but I still try. I still try to come out of these trenches to hopefully find the me I had ownership over but I've fallen so far. My path is no longer beaten and the rights of me has been sold for but only a token. I've prostituted my aspirations for a instant self gratification to try to meet the standards of the already stable.

I've taken personal and made it communal. Slurring thoughts about to undeserving ears neglecting the unbiased object which is my pen.

This may be selfish but I'm cleaning my face and choosing to submit to myself again.

Too Long to Twit. (2)

2009-06-13T17:28:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wish I was so.
& then it'll be.
but I can't.

Then it becomes this everlasting dance of self denial.
Leaking self worth through cracks of broken confidence.
Then only hoping to be able to cherish the one thing I denied to begin with.

I wonder if I had recognized the beauty of the situation earlier.

too long to tweet.

2009-06-11T11:07:00.001-04:00

are you being ungrateful? or just cognizant that there are somethings you aren't required to deal with? are exceptions being made? if not your presence is merely temporary and supplemental of a unknown latter be it past or present...mental or tangible someone has you in chains meaning they have the key.

2009-05-14T16:01:00.002-04:00

"maybe what they see as drama I see more as art"
-vivian green

Regardless of popular opinion some situations are necessary just to ensure there is proper maintenance to continue to the latter. Without these pit stops there would be no direction because we get so caught up in the moment. The pure intensity causes both of us to sit back and reevaluate our motives, our actions, and our intentions. Its imperative that we both become transparent so we can see the future within us. Without these moments on dont think I could survive or better yet breath. I need the intensity...I need it so I'll know that all this matters. That I'm investing, because sometimes the stock needs to crash before you understand the wealth of the share u had.

420.

2009-04-20T23:40:00.004-04:00

There are gems so deep that I'd have to strain every fiber of my being to harness and savor the sight but I stay. I reach within my past situations to gather strength to deal, to cope, to understand if this situation could flourish and become our work of art. & if I could only, if I could only look past myself the self destructing adolescent to lean on your experience and let you be a crutch within my uncertainty. The battle has become so hard and the scars have began to crust over and create monuments of frustration breathing for air to heal. My limbs are sore and the sweat beading down my face is burning my eyes. Even my own eyes are becoming an enemy because of its blurriness. I want to let down my shield and disrobe of my armor but its hard to trust. Hard to bare my weakness and become apart of circumstance and not just scenery. My intentions are pure but my hands are the work of the enemy. My flesh can't transpire the deepest affections that plague my lonely heart; however, the cold stones that surround me keep warm because I still live within the hope that keeps my heart beating.

The dj died last night and I'm forced to dance without rythme or a friendly stacatto to lean on but I try. Try to perform and extend my limbs to enjoy the moment. & if my beat never comes I'll still know I gave the floor my heart.

mannequin.

2009-04-03T01:38:00.004-04:00

I'm actually pushing myself to write so tonight I'll just take it line by line.

Well here you go...whats left of me.

I'm sure Lincoln has never felt this shit faced seeing as though I'm still throwing pennies into my wishing well. I would jump but the reality of the situation is it's only knee deep. Right now I could be sold for a penny because I feel so empty.

& now I'm left pondering.

Imma' go on in cause' Imma' bust it wide open.

2009-03-14T13:18:00.003-04:00

This is probably the realist shit I ever wrote.

The current circumstances of the world can leave you broken, battered, and sometimes to a point of near destruction. But then you have those individuals that make it out of that shit and have a story to tell.

So let me put you on game.

A great lady said "Nobody makes it out alive" and she wasn't lying. So unless your doing this life shit for practice stop settling with circumstance and get the fuck up and hustle.

Umm Uh.

2009-03-13T09:25:00.003-04:00

Here lately I've been slightly morbid and even I'm bored with it. I'm much stronger than this...I mean I can't fade all of the dramatics but its a new day & I'll keep pressing on. Besides my mother didn't raise a barber. Politics as usual so I'll continue to lobby for my own bill of rights even if bipartisanship seems off in the distance...

How I feel.

2009-03-13T00:15:00.003-04:00

When im mad I need you to tell that things will be ok.
When im sad I need you to hold me.
When im unsure tell me the right way.
When im crying hug me.
When im smiling smile with me.
When im typing this alone come save me.
When im crying like i am now...
just know that im really hurt.

I have love but you may want something more original.

2009-03-12T17:16:00.005-04:00

I'm still searching for the aesthetic integrity of Chicago. Maybe if I left the yearning for something familiar to itself I'd find it. Each day brings about a change in the embrace but still leaves me stuck in a limbo of where do I go from here. Some day's I feel the most alienated simply because of circumstance and I saw how he was treated and it was much better. Most days there is a riot going on inside my head causing my heart to tremble. Other days I wonder if they are even influenced by each other.

All I want is a beautiful moment to blow the dust off of my happiness. I'm so fragile and I'm being tossed about as the days go on and each time I'm thrown a piece of me is gone never to be seen again. Instead of a world being shared I'm a refugee within in slaved and confined to your rules of engagement. Maybe its because I'm not him making me a enemy to you.

There is a particular coldness to my nature simply because I'm waiting for a exception to be made in my favor and not just for your satisfaction. If I was a constructed with the likes of him I would too be easy but my worth exceeds the amount of a kings ransom and my architecture its a bit more complicated.

It's cold in Chicago but the sun does sometime still shine.

"I mean we've shaken hands..."

2009-02-12T01:21:00.003-05:00

There is a ink blot on my page and I swear it is something like amazing. "I'm just full of thoughts and fantasies..big absurd thoughts that sometimes exceed my means." Since we never touched I asked him how he felt and this is what he said.

"tell me if im wrong im not poetic at all."

i feel like raisins on a hot day.
i feel a lil rough
but still smooth
a rugged smooth
if you can feel me.
i have lots of body to feel
um...
idk ok you go
how do you feel?

-ink blot.

& it was poetry to me.

Private Caller.

2009-02-08T01:25:00.012-05:00

There is some subtle gravity within this flirty situation because this is the first time my hands have been tied behind my back during the act. The inability to reach out and fumble leaves me building up this tension inside...using my inner hands to intercede where you wont let me be...a sensation of mental masturbation as I mentally fuck myself to climax this situation as dysfunctional as a crooked lamp shade...contemplating heavily to subdue better yet to ascertain.

verb(iage).

2009-01-27T06:20:00.004-05:00

"Time, conflict of value, the desire of one to remember nothing and the tendency of the other to remember too much, have rendered communication between them difficult."

-Ralph Ellison.

He just doesn't and I did but I don't anymore, because he simply doesn't or maybe doesn't know how. So we just do, what we can of course. I wonder will he do it again; moreso, I wonder if he even knew what he was doing while he was doing it. That's really the only way to do it again. But as of now it still remains done so I do what I does.

pfft.

My Prayers are My Poetry.

2009-01-19T02:21:00.012-05:00

Our souls seep incomplete virtues fruitful in flesh seeking intervention through ethereal means.
Dripping like the dew upon mornings bosom are the issue's of our hearts treading the thin dichotomy of sunset and sunrise deeply entangled but softly laid upon earthly things. We find ourselves screaming to the top of our lungs secret psalms of a foreign tongue drenched in false devotion violently waving a trash bag from side to side over our heads with our souls in it.

Youthful ignorance alienating true love and allowing lust to be the circulatory system of our self inflected hypoxic souls. Today we sit upon metaphysical murders killing the true poet in us all; however, I refused to let it consume me. From the table prepared before me with the statue of David I utter the fidelic alto of Daniel, reciting poetry to the very lions set out to destroy me. Today dark clouds that resemble derivatives of disconsolate emotions are behind me.

Several poems later I am Free, because my prayers are my poetry.

Carrie Fever.

2009-01-13T00:36:00.014-05:00

"I couldn't help but wonder..".

Can you buy hangers for the bones in your closet?

And so however you may put it simply remains true that previous reservations trickle down to the foundation and settle. & BOOM: the death of love. The guy moves on. Now your left alone in your loft apartment with major damage to your hardwood floors and stains on your down bedding. With the preferences of individuals becoming more extreme is it truly possible to not put your best foot forward when meeting someone new and simply be yourself? Leaky situation, right?!

It's a age old term that has shaped the ballroom culture for years but is your love "real" and does not just SALE "realness?" And can your deepest affection get its "tens?" Honestly, is it possible to truly be yourself within a relationship if the preferences of your mate do not agree with the bones in your closet that has helped shaped who you are today?

Lets Play Dress Up.

2009-01-04T22:01:00.002-05:00

It was obvious and I wore it proudly
A heartless sleeve is unfamiliar to me.
I can change 4 times a day and it'll still be there
for the world to see.

Coats of many colors have lain on my back
tailored like a tux to a king but on that sleeve
was a reflection of me.

I wonder If you wore my shirt what would I see
and If your heart could fit on my sleeve.
But would that tell me If you were compatible with me?

A New Hobby.

2009-01-04T15:41:00.008-05:00

Today unlike usual the ink was water to the lips of her pages.
The lines fell like fluid and made them soft to the touch.
She didn't need anyone today because she brought about her own precipitation.

She curiously wrote parting the legs of her book to record writing to the depths of its dark crevice. Hesitantly she fingered the pages sending her poetry into a frenzy. Because she was a young writer she wanted to leave a lasting impression below the nape of her pages not obvious to the eye's of strangers.

She stroked with intentions to record but ultimately
transcended into her own dark romanticism minus Poe.
Egotistically she continued and it brought about a new joy.

Slowly she became addicted to this literary fixation.
She know's when she's done because her substance appears on those once blank pages.
Then she closes her book and lie's there in amazement.

Feeling kind of blue.

2009-01-03T03:06:00.008-05:00

Within this space I can lavishly spend my dollars and cents on sadness.
I wouldn't mind going bankrupt here.
I'd tip the night with a deep sigh and be on my way...
dragging a cigarette just to watch the smoke do a seductive dance before me.
Blue is coating my veins and now I'm exempt from the nights cold air.
Pacing to get a good repetitious rhythm I'd hum a tune.
A slightly morbid tune with a hallow staccato out of key.
If I could I'd birth the song out of the warmth of my lips
but it just wont come up from my loins.
Maybe my own ears don't want to hear it.
Maybe its too blue.
My kind of blues.
But even he doesn't want me.
So I settle for just this ratchet melody.
The moon never looked so good like it does tonight
leaving a flirtatious glow on the street.
It's like she's kissing the dark puddles to say goodnight.
If only I were transparent I'd linger the dark alleys searching for a new blues.
Maybe of a lighter hue so then my soul could levitate.
My blues always lets me down because he never knew which way was up.
I'd loose a limp for my blue.
I'd give him my last cent.
He has to love me some how.
I'm just so faithful.
I've found a resting place.
The nights still and laying against the tree its just me and my blues.

Next Year...

2008-12-31T11:45:00.005-05:00

I will...

1. Continue to act all brand new when I'm not in the mood to deal with certain people.
2. Continue to see you and NOT speak.
3. Continue to delete my Facebook when I feel like I'm becoming too accessible.
4. Continue to look beat even when I'm going through hell.
5. Continue to not fuck with the masses.
6. Cut all this modest shit and do me.
7. Stop writing sad poems because my life is FAR from pitiful.
8. Stop telling people about my problems because bitches can't help you.
9. Have my federal currency backed by arrogance since gold didn't work.
10. Drop nigga's if they bringing me down.
11. Control my own emotions even if that means not taking yours into consideration.
12. Join a house and walk a ball to say I did it.
13. Get back on my 4.0 shit like I was in high school.
14. Only wear shirts with a collar like I did in high school because t-shirts are for common folk.
15. Reestablish my own lifestyle rules and follow them.
16. Stop wearing dirty chucks because at the end of the day I'm not that artsy.
17. Business first, play later...nuff said.
18. Continue to shit on these hoe's and not spend a dime.
19. Continue to make bitches angry because they couldn't even fathom half of my persona.
20. Pay off my debt to the fake housewives of Howard.
21. Stop educating fish on gay lingo and lifestyle because they'll brand your shit just to look cool.
22. Reestablish a relationship with silence because it makes people uneasy when your just PERCHED and simply SIT.
23. Not drink vodka on my 21st but sip Ace of Spades with my legs crossed in a t-fashion with my loafer cleavage exposed.
24. Not be down for ANYTHING.
25. Change my yim name because I don't fuck with half of you.
26. Start paying the girls and not even argue.
27. Continue to say fuck the standards of masculinity and be me. I mean shit it works.
28. Keep useless people out of my life. By standers and naysayers are of the past.
29. Surround myself with people who dream just as big as me so people can stop saying I belittle people with my aspirations.
30. Stop frontin' because it aint trickin if you got it, its just living if you don't.
31. Only drink if I can afford top shelf and that means I dont care how much everyone puts up for a big bottle of Svedka.
32. Not smoke weed because all that laughing in stressful and makes my brain hurt.
33. Finally get my BGC body and look all toned because I'm already slim.
34. Stop doubting myself because that doubting shit didnt get me this far.
35. Continue to remind myself I'm a true intellect and scholar and stop fucking around with this school shit. I have published research under my name before even graduating from High School via Morehouse College. Get into it.
36. Officially say fuck Howard University and really transfer. Howard is not the end all or say all to black education. Get over it people and that is students, alum, and those who applied and didn't get in.
37. Get back to being a natural born leader.
38. Never grow my hair out again because I look better with a close cut. & you can stamp that.
39. Stop fucking with Trendy nigga's because at the end of the day i'd rather fuck your shoe's than be your dude.
40. Find me a Sasha Fierce glove.
41. Not give to charity. I'm out business as it pertains to talking to those in need of self-esteem, style tips, validation, basic knowledge, and cultural development.
42. Stop making fucked up decisions and living strictly for the moment.
43. Start saying my prayers EVERY night.
44. Continue to strive to be a better person and watch what I say to people somtimes.
45. Start my business venture with Morgan Mizrahi Fierce.
46. Travel out of the country.
47. Start my fresh start in a new place.
48. Approach schooling as my devoting me time and energy to my career and positive progression and not just umm school.
49. Buy my mom something from Tiffany because I suck at gift giving and every girl should have breakfast there.
50. Start aiming at more positive press from the people. Which means doing positive things.
51. Love me first.
52. Continue to live out my sexual fantasy's.
53. Start really telling people how I feel and not being so scared.
54. Stop requesting communication but never really speaking.
55. Leave those Code 10. Man down situations for the hood girls with all that hood glamour.
56. Stay out of those gray area's. Either we are together or not. & no we aint fuckin. Because I'm not up for trying to figure out and be up here blogging all this sad shit.
57. Finally let it go because its not meant to be.
58. Stop trying to be with everyone I like because I like me. Like like me a lot so I end up liking people like me and no one can date themselves and yea. You get it.
59. Start declaring my own Poetic Justice.
60. Try my hand at song writing.

Happy New Year.

The Matrix.

2008-12-29T12:47:00.003-05:00

That last pill was hard to swallow leaving me stuck between the space of two hands waiting to shake upon agreement in hopes that some deal would be sealed that I might make it out of this place. Idle times stagnant resulting in a restless soul unable to sleep and desperately looking towards a the right mirror to see its true image. Disappointed in the reflection I faithfully cater to my vices to keep a happy home for fear that a fight might break out. Fearing that the spiritual prenuptial agreement would leave me without anything I hold steady to fermented vows. Desperately holding on to dreams my mind is like cigarette ashes burned by the fire but still able to fly counting on to the day that my own doing would repossess its wings. Trapped birds even have songs but after a while they become of foreign tongue.

Swallowing both the red and blue pill I've learned circumstance is the distant relative of choice so now I'm trapped by my own ignorance developing this verse.

GOOD MORNING!

2008-12-22T08:21:00.003-05:00

It is a new day and the newness I have been so yearning for has finally hit me. It is as if my soul has peeked and touched the heavens. I see the world through a new window and a new set of eyes. I'm re-establishing goals and I feel I can approach things with a new zest and a new level of confidence. The feeling I have now is unexplainable and I have not had it years. I am so thankful.

GOT DAMN IT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ARRIVED.

My Chicago Skyline.

2008-12-11T06:42:00.004-05:00

"Awww, PYT
it is
but it gets better
for both of us."

"right now I'm stuck in between stressed and living out my dreams"
-someone phenomenal

1 year Ago...

2008-12-09T21:01:00.005-05:00

Today is my blog's Anniversary. & I've learned I am my own drug & my own vice. So each day I try to not be the boy lost to his own cocaine.

Less is more. Press play.

I’ve stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I’ve always been in
But I’ve watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don’t see you change, you’re always at meltdown

Yeah I’ve been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you’ve drunk too much
But I can’t survive, with you by my side
See I’ll never get laid, while I’m running your life

No I just don’t wanna, so I’m walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don’t need drama, so I’m walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There’s somebody here, I’d like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
‘Cause you’re not my problem, you are my last

No I just don’t wanna, so I’m walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don’t need drama, so I’m walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don’t wanna, so I’m walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I'm not your momma, so I’m walking away
I’m just a girl that you lost to cocaine

Maybe It'll Rain Today & I Wont Have To Leave My Room.

2008-11-30T03:58:00.004-05:00

I've bitten all of my nails and I've written and rewritten lines to help me feel better. Its hard and I'm losing. I've lost and it hurts the most because its moments like this that I want you to see me. Without all of the audacity and ego because deep down this is who I am. This is all suppose to make sense but it doesn't. So now I'm really alone and this is how it feels. Even in your absence I knew there was something there. Screaming would get me no where but this uncertain need to run isn't healthy. I'd run north towards you screaming to simply say I'm getting closer. Reaching. Going breathless in pursuit of just saying I did something unimaginable.

Clocks becoming the enemy reminding me of lost time. Certain times reflective of me waking up and seeing you sleeping. Maybe if I had cut my hair for you. When I first saw you we had on the same shoe's and now there is a pair missing. I should've done and said all those memorable things to you that I was thinking but never was bold enough to do or say. Now I have a archive of ways to make you smile and I cant even use them because they were tailored just for you. I'd rather just be back in that corner on that Sunday morning kissing you like we were in high school. A Sunday kind of love.

It was a struggle. I just wanted you to like me and be consumed by me. A constant craving to be wanted. I just wanted to be myself. Keep me. Be personal to me so I didnt give but I wanted. I so desperately wanted and needed. You said you loved me. This second time around. So now I'm scorned again for reasons that only I know. You showed up to prove that this time would be different. And here I am playing the victim when I did it. I threw in the towel but Im in need. I'm at my lowest and I needed you and you werent there.

Defense Opening & Closing Statements.

2008-11-29T18:18:00.003-05:00

To just disregard and totally eliminate the satisfaction of another being can be the most loving thing you can do. When circumstance and obstacles are bigger than both of you someone has to be the bad guy. Be it that little white lie or paradigm shift in loyalty its for the greater good, the greater outlook, and the effort to cherish what is yet to be seen or materialized (if the above is done with genuinely good intentions).

Off to the left of center stood circumstance that at the moment couldn't get right. So who's to blame. In this case no one, but the ultimate challenge is ratifying the situation to leave both parties unharmed and without emotional distress. This my friends is what we should call becoming acquainted with the "impossible." There is no clause within the silent bi-lateral emotionally binding contractual agreement called a relationship that ensures there will not be any casualties. (refer to February 29ths "Ring, Ring, Ring..." for more clarity).

So with due interest there is a conflict of what is seen and unseen as well as the feelings of the heart and the mechanics of the mind. This internal conflict can play largely on the fact that emotions and feelings are the key components of a healthy relationship. But what do you lean towards in a relationship lacking these things when accepting your reservations to your date with what we called the "impossible?" Contrary to popular belief within any union there is going to be someone who loves harder, is more emotional, and keen to the feelings of the heart. Without recognition of this person and the proper reassurance it's but only possible that there will be a likely demise. Unless there is a balance and a common ground. To tie all this in we can call this place a "center."

Understand relationships are about more than trust, emotion, and sex. Many forget that both individuals need constant reassurance that they are with the right person, experiencing the right emotions and overall in the right state of mind. These reminders are what keep the flame flickering and both attentive to the natures of their actions. With good intent do good things come so intend to reassure me that I'm making the right move. For instance market yourself and I'll do the same. Allow me to understand that I can trust you by signing your dotted line.

Hastily do many sign before reading the small print. The obvious indicators, if you will... If its missing a break light. LEAVE IT. We place our emotions so loosely in the hands of man by simply not believing what's obvious and not being in tuned with our gut feeling. Blindful optimism for a lack of better words. Some things just cant be changed and will not get better. Relationships are about knowing when its time to give up in more ways than one. Knowing when to end that argument. Knowing when to give each other space. The act of relinquishing is a self taught gift that has to be used with careful consideration of the effect on the other party involved. Inverse, knowing when to apply the pressure tie's in delicately with reassurance and finding a relationship "center."

"Youth doesn't need friends. It needs crowds." This quote coming from someone worth quoting is in fact accurate and fits my theme. Outside influence is not needed nor necessary in a relationship. With extreme issues involving the two seek guidance and understanding within the home. Friends taint healthy relationships. There is no rhetoric or logic that can be constructed to convince me otherwise. Be accepting of these extensions of your mate. Embrace them as if they are your own but in regard to the relationship a public relations response would be appropriate ("please respect our privacy"). The motives of several friends could shift a relationship dynamic quickly. If it comes down to it vent to them and once your done ignore their response. Especially if negative. If any mistakes are made regarding my relationship I prefer to say it was at the hands of my own and or my ignorance. Not of my good Judy.

Who falls anymore? Give your all as if you are not even aware of what your doing. Falling is cliche' make it un-describable. Like hard and love harder. Live out each mistake and take time to dissect them accordingly. Play out heavy conversations in advance to insure you don't say the wrong thing (refer to November 25ths "Clairvoyance") as well as to prepare yourself for the outcome. Love is about preparation and presentation. If one relationship falls through use it to prepare for something better. New motto (feel free to quote or take for personal use) "Greater than or equal to." If someone can not appease your penchant for whatever positive aspect you may have politely orchestrate a response similar to "why bother?" Present yourself fresh faced and new everyone loves something new. Innovation is key as well. Evolve within the relationship. A good love hangover shouldn't leave you literally feeling hung over.

I do pardon my being long winded and my decision but it was for the greater good. These are only reflections of my learning and personal experience. In addition to, I believe cross examinations are unnecessary but responses are welcomed so therefore I rest my case and I wash my hands of this madness.

-M.

Seniority (Get Over It). & Face It You'll Never Get This Close.

2008-11-27T07:13:00.004-05:00

"Tyra gave me my picture and told me I was going to be successful."

I cant sleep obviously and only one person is on my mind. I've recited our famous lines a million and one times. Well now a million and two. The very nature of our fragile bubble but we never seem to break. So rather than sale oranges by the freeway I'll sale sea shells by the sea shore so I can be with you.

-stewie.

clairvoyance.

2008-11-25T17:36:00.005-05:00

I mean I like you, I like you like a lot.
Shit I love you.
but.
Umm i just.
Like, where is the?
I think maybe we should try...
How do you feel about?
But you never consider how I.
You are so.
Yea I should've.

You know I love you too
but you what?
I mean I don't know.
But we've been there before.
I mean, if that's how you feel.
Yea, I do. All the time.
I'm so what?
So why didn't you?

I dont know.
I just feel.
You never.
The words just don't...
I cant express.
Maybe we should.

I dont either.
But what about me.
How could I?
Say what you feel.
but, what?

I think its best if we.
because I cant.
i dont know.
im just so.
give me a minute.

Here I Stand.

2008-11-25T00:06:00.006-05:00

From afar things haven't changed that's why he keeps a steady position there at point A. Pretending to be comfortable with the way things are. Following suit in a typical fashion to keep things steady, but in comparison to kinetics he knows you all are quite stagnant. Both kicking rocks into a vast ocean called love but are too afraid to jump and submerge for fear of drowning. Rather than hit rock bottom and feel the sand between each others toes he knows you would prefer to experience this thing from up here than in the new world past attraction.

He guesses he should chalk it up to fear of relinquishing what makes both of you individuals rather than carve secret messages and initials into each others identities. He'd stand before you stark naked in hopes that you could connect the dots with his every pore and create your own funny image that only eyes like yours could see.

He says: "I can't wrap my mind around this thing for the life of me."

Racing past adjectives like quick and fast he's managed to adore whats slow and steady. His tongue parched at your apathetic attempt to create a cathartic chemistry between the two but holding true and passionate in hopes one day you'll be ready to quench his thirst.

Patiently he waits for the day his left eye will be jealous of his right because you stand before him in his naked likeness ready to surrender your troubles at his feet. Even in the midst of your reservations he finds it easy to lean heavily towards hope that the day would once come.

But what is this man to do when he feels the battery is dying in his halo and it no longer creates shadows of his stance? On the flip side pride is eating him alive knowing that he is no longer illuminating your skies thus creating this infectious thing called infidelity to overcompensate for his inability to thoroughly obtain.

Hi, meets hello, meets the exchange and passionate toe curling sex leads to him almost calling out your name. Sweat meet sheets and lacerations of the tongue to connect the two distant lovers invading your space. Take note to distant because you never held him close. Now he is clinging to this figment of his imagination that this other person is you. With his eye's closed positions are flipped and the squeaking of the mattress unlocks boxes of sexual pandora that you would never explore. Stretching liquid emotions over a selectively permeable medium. Overflowing over plush organic beats. Bouncing over bass filled synthesizer sounds. Waiting for a humble echo to speak. Oozing gyrational jisms in a lustful fashion. Waiting for the next thrust and the mattress to squeak.

Now wouldn't it have been easier to just jump, fall, love and lay your troubles at his feet?

Blowin' One for The Black Guy.

2008-11-04T13:30:00.005-05:00

Damn I needed this jay.
This shit feels soo good.
Even in the mist of my less than subtle chaos I cheated the odds.
The Odds of having a bad day, basically.

A Black Man for Obama 2008.

I am Marcus, and I approved this message.

Love Hangover.

2008-10-23T01:08:00.004-04:00

Thanks for the visual.

Moreso than ever I'm understanding that however dormant your feelings are for someone they are still there and very much alive. Be it a smile, scent, or song they are there. So now my cup runneth over of sensations and stimuli enhanced by you and what we had.

So thanks for the visual. However spontaneous it was caused by nothing else in this world but you and your intentions.

Meanwhile, I sip this red cup in hopes that I'll wake up to a love hang over.

Dippin' Dots.

2008-10-13T00:24:00.004-04:00

A dot would be sufficient for those lacking what I would call a life changing experience but a dot cant tell a story. It can't hold the weight or the gravity of its situation. So I'll leave two dots.

..

P.S.

2008-10-03T13:09:00.002-04:00

& while I'm at it, Fuck this blog. That's how he and them keep holding. Probing but never really knowing. This is my last post. So suck and blow. The entrance to this door is now CLOSED.

-out to lunch. no return scheduled.

Prestine.

2008-10-03T12:42:00.004-04:00

Its a new day and I'm waiting for the newness to hit me but I cant shake yesterday. Better yet, the past few days. My heart is heavy and even my stride lags because I simply cant move forward. I've got to get out of this place. I haven't taken responsibility for my emotions. I've let them run rampant for the sake of feeling and not the sake of living; moreso, living productively. Pubescent and perplexed I have forgotten that I can't lay here and experience the world from "down here." So I'll slide from under the gravity you've so strategically placed above my head and reconnect with the lightness of being. Maybe that will be better for us. Maybe its me and I'm too heavy. Maybe I'm too poetic. Too real. Too much of a man. Too cognizant of what it takes to pursue something past the literal. Should I indulge in the latter then what kind of man would I be?

My Apple Tree.

2008-10-03T02:31:00.003-04:00

Leveling the playing field could be difficult when so set back from square one. I guess it takes a overwhelming amount of emotion and strength to surpass a major event within a union. So now I less than tip toe around those things that I wouldnt normally ask and I carefully watch those things I would normally turn the cheek. How can I change the embrace? Leaving the situation broken would be the best course of action but the faith that falls upon my tears keeps me hydrated with your passion. Am I desperate to feel those locked emotions. Seeking refuge in false pretenses that shape your exact. I am a prisoner to a situation that I can not abide. Threading trust woven tightly falls short of the seamless fantasy. Slightly to the left was a place off in the distance uncharted because you were faithful. Now I lay famished holding you with food in your belly and there is only tainted fruit in our garden.

The City Is At War (Again).

2008-09-29T13:01:00.002-04:00

Where is my city of refuge?

& those promises I've made still linger over my head and the battery is dying in my halo.

Mud Puddles

2008-09-26T10:01:00.004-04:00

I'm between spaces and its only because of the angle. I thought I'd see a day with sunshine but the drizzle is beating at my heart. There is only dead end conclusions in the back of my mind as the day melts down each side walk like wet paint to a wet canvas but I'm living. I'm breathing and I'm thankful for that.

In a casual fashion I pull out the recycled motions of the good ol' days since today is stale and bitter. The rain is cold and insensitive but from the same sky's there was one day sunshine.

How depressing.

Pardon my back. Now watch me freak it in my rain boots.

p.s. & he asked when we will start using our knowledge for good & not evil? & I shrugged.

Master Cleanse.

2008-09-24T13:42:00.002-04:00

Today I'm starting my master cleanse. No food, alcohol, pot, hell nothing but this little drink everyday for the next 10 days. From my reading it will rid my body of all harmful toxins and I'm more than sure I'll drop a few lbs. Not that I need to or anything.

Moreso, than just the physical toxins I'm going to shed some more things in these 10 days. Whatever my spirit tells me to relinquish will be gone by day 10. Anything with a negative effect on me will be left alone for 10 days. I think I'll even cut back on the profanity. I'm starting to think this could really be life changing if I stick with it.

Random ramble. Umm I should be stressed right now but I refuse. I'm in control of my own life and being stressed isnt my ideal of fun. I dont think I'm comfortable in my house anymore & thats not good. I need to tighten up on my school work. So I guess today I'll work on all these things and get the stars back in alignment.

I've been so emotional lately. Everything intensified. I'm displeased with how I have neglected many of my talents and hobbies. I dont write as often as I use to. I dont take any pictures. I feel like im losing myself. AGAIN. Maybe I'm being to hard on myself. Blah. Whatever I'm over it. Time to blow this lemonade stand.

bbl.

;Moreover,

2008-09-20T00:52:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you have to rewrite the lines. They lie to you. They betray you and create this false identity to live in. I can hide behind the words. These lines. I can lie. I can make whats wrong right with these things. They are my tools. My utensils to live the life I want. I crave. I need so badly but can never obtain. Me and my infatuation with my manipulative abilities to create whats impossible. More than my drug this is dearest as religion placed upon fetal breaths.

& so I write.

Tyrone,

2008-09-19T23:13:00.001-04:00

Moreso, than debate what is the foreseen sometimes I just live for the moment and do what my impluses are saying. Sometimes these things are not whats best but its only what I know right now. Its only my way of life and the way I feel. Even right now before I entertain my vices I must say to myself have I done what I feel at the moment.

Right Angle Congruence Theorem,

2008-09-11T12:15:00.010-04:00

& now I need a golden calculator to divide...

Now that I've learned how to truly become vulnerable and express myself I tend to re-write possibilities and outcomes for those who I've had relationships with. Would this be considered unhealthy? Is it not fair to those who are in eye sight? Emotions and actions run parallel but my defense mechanisms make them perpendicular leaving 90 degrees of separation.

smh, simple geometry.

In search of full circle friendships past heart break I've realized we must explore several tangents but I honestly don't know how and my lack of knowledge is making me vulnerable and I'm questioning have I truly learned.

The Heart Gently Weeps

2008-09-08T15:10:00.005-04:00

I'm feeling the embrace even still in your absence. It was heart felt and I felt your heart gently weep and beat in a rhythmic cadence expressing strength and weakness. I laid frail in your arms as if a feather to the gentle winds. If I were sand I would have slipped through your finger tips because you held me with all of your being. We both stood holding each other. Eyes closed absorbing the sweet moment. The feeling of supple fingertips up and down my spine rearranging my atoms creating a outer body like experience. Our history was being rewritten by the rippled texture of your finger tips engraving hidden braille that only you can read. Graceful exchanges of nudges and sincere kisses upon each others necks simply because stretched liquid emotions over our selectively permeable mediums. Our ecstasy overflowed over plush organic beats. We both stood as if this moment could talk waiting for a humble echo to speak both holding each other as our hearts gently wept.

CARTA.

2008-09-08T00:55:00.005-04:00

Female Face.

SO FUCKIN' BEAT.

GOTCHA

2008-09-07T03:04:00.000-04:00

What makes the situation so interesting is the fact of the matter that its all very old.

Because of that I remove all feelings and simply do.

Because the shades on you.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch..

2008-09-06T14:25:00.005-04:00

I'm back but the view is different. Of course they don't know, but it is. & that's the shade. I could frolic about reintroducing myself to people who thought they knew me but the effort would be pointless. Its all a production anyway. We aren't who we say we are and that alone brings about a new type of PR.

The mature thing to do is recognize that tanks on empty and move on. I'm seeing red and those are the break lights so lets slow down there's a road block ahead. Misinterpreting the thumbs up could leave me with a hitchhiker that only wants to ride and quite frankly, I don't know if I'm really up for the company.

No relations or relationships, keep it simple.

Some people I could thank for the verbal balloons and flowers; nonetheless, their hard work and cigarette breaks still don't match the substance I need to progress in anything past the latter. & its obvious to me that even the look in my eye's have changed and developed into something more than a lustful stare because even those before now look away.

I ain't even trippin' though I'll keep busy on this rainy day studying the presence of post modern blackness in today's society and kicking it with some Bell Hooks excerpts. I'm a renaissance man I shouldn't have to teach you.

The King & I

2008-08-24T00:51:00.001-04:00

I guess you can say that this is kind of weird seeing that you are watching me write this; moreover, i find it fitting to simply find some sort of prose to express....

.

& im without words so I'll leave it at that!

Slowly, Surely

2008-08-05T23:41:00.002-04:00

The raptures of the heart are the most forsaken by man for they challenge all things intellectual and titillating to the soul. & I'd like to think that the easiest things simply remain easy but thats not always the case. Sometimes they tend to blow either here or there and gracefully linger amongst hard planes. Planes off in the distance opposite of foreign planets, uncharted and simply unfamiliar; yet, still not relatives of the sunsets and sunrises that paints life's motion pictures.

A once delicate exchange of vulnerability has developed into a multi-faceted tango against the backdrops of these distance relatives. With each motion creating a personified cascading cinema of cunnalingus between mother natures thighs. Finding the warmth of the matter invigorating I can only request for more. But mother nature is not easy.

Laboring the fruits of my desires I attempt to allude smugged notions and unclear statements. Reiterating and re-validating just to ensure nothing lacks. To ensure something solid is built even amongst neighboring insecurities. So now my soul stands on it's tip toes inside my small defenseless frame to fight the Goliath's of my own being to harbor a crumb of your affection.

My the joys I will reap against the arrival of my second wind and the produce of my intentions.

The Score.

2008-08-03T17:07:00.005-04:00

Them & those I left at 19.

I can now look back at those things that had held me captive
& I see them no more.
I've arrived at my new decade.

Time to even the score.

_est. 08.03.88

New Video.

2008-07-31T19:41:00.006-04:00

Gnarls Barkley
Who's gonna save my soul?

Whew! That was intense. This video is unapologetically real. & one of the many creative pieces of work my eye's have came across this year.

Are you a donor?

Lost In Translation.

2008-07-30T19:40:00.002-04:00

Here are the words.
Locked in foreign languages.
Eloquently portrayed but holding a secret message.

These are the signs.
But I motion to the blind.

Dixon Ticonderoga.

2008-07-23T15:50:00.014-04:00

so i think i view you as more than a sexual object now
not saying i strictly did,
but that added avenue did only bring about sexual proliferations when i thought of you;
thus, depreciating your initial value.
but now out of respect for your being
i need to revert back to our origin which was innocent is a sense. Without the wrinkles from being balled up and thrown about.
Symbolic to the first day of school.
even though both tainted in our wrong doing of infidelities during recess.

we both took the bait.
not necessarily saying that the grass was greener on the other side of the jungle gym
but we were intrigued by the purple skies.
I was moreover, intrigued by all of your school supplies;
moreso, because we walked on the clouds but strayed from 9 because it was far to typical. When we did construct we were always writing outside of the lines and usually wrote from right to left and felt that college rule was to confined.
& then it got sexual.

interestingly enough though, i've never actually felt your touch.
guess your presence was just that concentrated, even from a far. You wrote with pencil, I wrote with pen.

i think it was the guilt, probable cause, or the modifiers intertwined with our subliminal malice aforethought that caused our rift...ultimately leaving both of us with paper cuts, blood on our hands, & our clean sheet of notebook paper.

and the fact that we even spoke of possibilities still juvenile in our thoughts amazes me, because after the first day of school neither of us came to prepared.

But I still remember that day when I asked to borrow your pencil....

Silly us taking the easy way out we never got caught cheating but we still never passed the test.

I'm done passing notes. Here's your pencil or at least whats left.

inbox (1).

2008-07-22T03:16:00.003-04:00

I've gathered the information and I've read, but for some odd reason I look at the two tabs.

I read and re-read the Facebook message but I want you here.

On this tab.

For its far more intimate. The decor is a lot warmer and more inviting. But before I construct prose drenched in emotion (optimistically speaking) I need to read more and understand. Shit, analyze. I've had one to many drinks and I'm really saying what's on my mind. Nothing to technical. I mean its nothing but words right? But I feel some sort of emotional connection that I can't fade. And I'm not a barber...Words like that make me stray. The catchy phrases. The ones he said came in bulk. Most of the time when they come around something more substantial lingers near.

This is a risk, but I must record. This moment. Or this moment in time. If a moment we should call it because I've been reading and absorbing. & craving.

I've made this so heavy. The liquor did this but I'm heavy by nature. By poetic license and this is only how I see & feel it. I felt the message. No matter how concise. I do have questions. You have questions. That message was the epidural as I've climbed out of the wombs of solitude. I'm blinking and gasping for a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm making a lot more of this.

FUCK.

For I am my brothers keeper and my brother I have kept through words and experiences. On two different planes that is.

You there. Me here, but still meeting from time to time at a fork in the road.

I'll make myself vulnerable. This time only.

...Your move.

Random Thought.

2008-07-21T02:39:00.002-04:00

I reach for my Chanel rose colored sunglasses.
To shade the obvious.

I think I'll settle here.
In this grey area.
For its nice and cool, because

I cant initially bare my soul.
For many masquerade as if they are deserving & ready.
So I play it cool.
You know? Fly below the radar.
Because more than likely, another will bite the dust.

Life.

2008-07-15T00:03:00.003-04:00

Everyone is revamping, reconstructing, and recreating; but, no one is living.

Accept the responsibility of life and living. Live the creation and the emotions that encase it. Live complete and taste the passion of mother natures womb through life.

Live through the fevering moments of uncertainty and the cold touches of insecurity. Live these things. Cherish each stroke of pain and the soothing sound of laughter.

The power of life is obtainable. Life is sweet. & Life is bitter.

Live life abundantly. So full that each day is exhausting. Each day is hard and tiring. Don't harp on the change. Forget the missed arrangement with perfect.

Accept each day as a challenge. A challenge to experience. A chance to savor the essence of being you.

Tailor each day not only to your liking but to the things which you are afraid. There is a trail to be blazed. A life to be touched. A impact to be made. A life to live.

Live in harmony and in disdain. Live life in retrospect and savor your memories.

Live life outside of yourself and with the heart of another. Live to hear the wind sing to you. Live for the ones you love who are not here to live. Live out your dream and your destiny. Live because you were made in his image.

Live life so hard that it hurts. That the day to day task become hard and become personal. Become personal! Personal even with yourself. Personal to yourself. Its your life. Your choice and your consequence.

More importantly, life is life...

...so live it.

Fuck a Title.

2008-07-14T02:43:00.007-04:00

I figure you have to develop a personal opinion regarding something before you able to commentate or write about it. I mean, I suppose. Borderline agree, but I'll keep typing; moreso, to just hear the click clacking of the keys to regulate my mind to speak. & the sound goes none stop awaiting a thought to appear & now I've found myself focused more on keeping the sound constant and I've began to make a tune.

Enter. Enter...I wanted a new line. Something refresh. There we have it. Something new. A start maybe. Not even so much as that but a refreshing point that I can revamp within the mist of my current state. State. Steak. I had steak today for dinner. Usually I have steak on Sunday come to think of it.

Enter. Enter. I think the word enter makes me think of a new thought. New, there it is again. New. That word. Nonetheless, I went to church today and I saw the kids. They were eager. They wanted to praise. They wanted to participate. I once was one of them. Innocent. Now more worldly I feel out of place but I go. He know's my heart. Hey like you said: "He reads my blog!" I wonder does he proof read.

I'm going fast now. Speed. I like this rate. I love to type. Actually, I'm a really good typist. Go. Go....Go. Go. Gadget. I like that show. Loved it actually. Where's my gadget? Hell, gadgets. We were talking and I've come to the conclusion: "I'd be afro-centric if I wasnt so materialistic." Blah, I'm gonna miss you. Merci beaucoup, for the time that is. Pardon my French. You taught me that. Lets run through Customs.

Enter. Enter. Enter. Ahhhh. Fuck that word. I dont like it anymore. It didnt make me think of anything. But whats the average total of anything when in comparison to nothing. This is going to be so funny when I read this. I have no idea what I'm going to wear to work tomorrow. Fuck work. Oops. I said fuck. But I mean it is late. Rounnnd Midnigghttt. Shade is, its not even midnight. more like 3:16 and I'm randomly typing. I mean I have nothing better to do.

We had a ichat session. You caught me off guard. Soooo not camera ready but it was fine. I worked my angles and things turned out nice. Ok, so who is sending me a yahoo! message at this our. & let me guess its gonna be some random bullshit and I'll be off my whatever boy. Basically.

Enter. Ahhh, I could always say return. Return back to square one. How corny. Really though? Let me stop to check this message. It may prompt some good conversation between my and myself.

PFFT. I cant help your bored. LMAO. Talking big shit like I'm not typing a random clusterfuck of thoughts. I dont use drugs. I stopped smoking pot. & Yes, I said Pot. It got scary. Which brings me to my latest point. The last to nights I've been dreaming about drugs. Using them. & it scares me. I like you but last night you stuck a needle in me. Your my friend but the previous night you got me really high and I think it was laced. I'm freaking myself out now. I push back some thoughts from fear of the next. Here I go ago. Talking about my dreams. Last summer I did and weird things started to happen. Remember when I told you about that "One Soulful Negro?" Well I didnt actually tell you but I typed it. Ahhhh Haaa, right back to typing what I'm doing.

Last summer she said I got to deep. I cant tell people everything. People would think I'm crazy. But last summer was a cleansing. I felt good. I felt. Something I cant seem to do these days. Numb. Is this coming back to the drugs. The needles. Am I unlocking this mystery. I think I should keep typing. But the result of this typing. I dont know what may come from it.............................................................................just for the sound. To challenge my thoughts. You once told me I thought with both sides of my brain. But it doesnt take both sides to realize your not here. You were a dancer. I was at work reading and thought of you. You come in and out of my life and drop gems of knowledge. What the fuck ever. Who really cares. I'm here your there. But if I looked it like that with you. Is there hope for him. Oops. I said a lot. Who cares. Fuck it. This is my blog. So keep your cats for your bag. I'm something else. I want to be nice. I want to do good but sometimes the bad in me just takes over. Its fun though. It keeps me balanced.

Drop. Drop down low and sweep the flo wit it. LMAO. We partied last night. But I didnt drop. Neither did I dance to it. I remember when she said: "Let the hood girls do the hood dances" and that I did. No shade. I just got real gay. That happens sometimes. & the white man get paid off of all of dat. What is up with this songs? How long am I gonna keep this up. I think I've been going for a couple of minutes. Time. Last summer. There we go again. This aint last summer so stop comparing this one to it. Settles that. Did I really just get myself together through a blog. Better yet through. Wait. I dont even know what I was trying to say. I wonna go back to Morehouse. I wonder how my life would be if I went there like I planned on doing. GIRLLL, yup! There you go. I didnt need to be down there. I'm getting mad for some reason. I think its because I'm home and not in school where I need to be. The world keeps going on and I'm here. Man fuck this shit. This some classic ass bullshit. Yea, I said all that because thats how I feel and I'm typing faster and the click and clacks are melodies. I cant bare to take myself up and down like this. This may be my first and last typing session. I want to cry. I cant cry. I dont feel like it so I wont. I'm blinking but its barely working. I'm done typing. I dont want this to get to personal and thats something I've never been good at doing. Getting personal. Its all about image and I'll uphold this image until it kills me.

Seeing Sounds.

2008-07-10T23:37:00.003-04:00

Now this is spilling art from your personality...

My Drive-Thru;

Produced By Pharrell - Santogold, Julian Casablancas, N.E.R.D.

Can we say, post modernism please!? I think we can. Nothing more than concentrated cool in a designer bottle of brilliance.

Solange-I decided.

& Solange gracefully remained the main focus in this orgy of late modernism jism that oozed nothing more than the birth of the new music video; with a hint of the artistic neo-dada cultural movement and references to each decade, I hope everyone embraces.

Get into it.

GET INNNN...

2008-07-08T12:35:00.005-04:00

WOW |looks around| its been a minute since I've been here!

Straight to business...

7op seven songs that shaped my summer:

1: The entire "CARTER III album!"
2: Kelis-Emergency
3: Ryan leslie-Diamond Girl (Remix)
4: Basement Jaxx-Good luck
5: Masters at Work-The Ha Dance (the original ha)
6: Adele-Melt My Heart to Stone
7: Dionne Farris-Hopeless

Each song has a meaning of some sort. Man that list could've went on for days but those seven mean the most. Lets seeeee...

Current Read:

NOTHING. I know |blahhhh| I've become so engrossed in summer and partying I havent taken the time to read. Ohhhhhhhh, but I did read this lil note that I found on my windshield last night. Let me tell you that story...

Well its really not a story because I still dont know whats going on. All I know is that as I proceeded to eagerly pump to my vehicle after a hard day's work (well not really) & I see this sheet of paper on my windshield (do bare with, I've been told I can be very global when I'm telling a story) & I look around to see no one in the parking lot.

At this point I'm like oohhh kay, this is weird. So I hop in the car, lock my doors, and I head out of the parking lot before even reading the note (for security reasons. people are crazy). & I get my lil happy ass to the first stop light thats red and it has a number on it. BUT WAIT, lets get into it: Not only does it has a number but the number is to someone's house.

|DRAMATIC PAUSE|.

Dont gag yet but this number was in fact to the individuals grandmothers house. & scribbled beneath it was the most dreaded line in all pick up, trynna go smack, wonna holla at (whatever you call it due to regional slang) history: "WHATS GOOD?" Also this character didnt even bother to leave a name. Aint this some stalkerish bullshit?

But rather than be alarmed I neatly folded the piece of notebook paper, placed it in my console, & said to myself: "GO OWF, I still got it!" & people, once I verify all HIPPA information and get to the bottom of who this unidentified person is if they are looking right...sshhhit, I just might call. Hell its still summer! & like facebook, I've been known to update people's status'. Besides its been a while since I've given to charity.

AHHHH...back to my socialite tendencies!

Anywho...

This random blogging is soo refreshing. I think I'll do it more often. Oh, more good stuff. I've began my locking process again. For the second time. & as soon as I can figure out how to make another blog under one account I will be outlining my locking career through a picturesque blog. More updates regarding that in the near future. & if you do know how please share.

Ummm. I think thats all I have to share for now. I'm really loving this random blog post thing. As eventful as my life is trust there will be another random post coming before you know it.

PEACEEEEEEE...

elevator music.

2008-06-29T16:40:00.004-04:00

Its Sunday afternoon and after a nice GQ session of the sorts I feel refreshed.
Just shipped mother dearest off for the next two weeks so I head off to the market.
steak, steamed vegetables, blah blah blah some more shit & cocktails for the friend & I.

p.s. one soulful negro, I have not forgotten my song list. That'll be the next post. I promise!

Eureka.

2008-06-22T22:13:00.006-04:00

& amongst all things I must revert back to the principles that guarantee my success, and keep my eye's focused on the promise and my sacrificial obedience; more importantly, those things that my active progression are contingent upon.

It is of critical importance that I find my cadence and collate my actions into a harmonious purpose driven symphony, because to move without purpose is only to merely move as a supplemental being; lacking the essence of change and the ability to primarily affect one's destiny.

& so I step out of my world, and realize that I do too have to meet the demands of the world and I am no exception. My post doctrine to selfishly capture the essence of simply being has to be merged with the rational and selfless ideology that I must take the instruments of life and create my own body of work & simultaneously touch the life of someone else.

Amongst all of my talents, I have come to the conclusion that I have a voice and the ability to draw people. So all in all, this, is bigger than me. It seemed people always came and took without giving. Maybe I am in fact supposed to give. I have always found myself in situations being the beacon of hope or example for others. Maybe my blessings are deep down within the deeps of the next person.

Maybe all along I've hindered my blessings by my inability to see the greatest aspect within me. The ability to influence.

& with that said, I embark on my journey to learn how I must do this.

I turn the cheek.

I take to my knee's.

World War III.

2008-06-21T22:32:00.006-04:00

For the pure sense of control I molest my pad.

& so I write.

Finding my self faced with a restless spirit. Sometimes bound by a enigmatic lyric. A lyric that defines me but from time to time doesn't allow me to properly speak.

In a sense writing my own war.

Young, beautiful, & twisted to get this out I must become my own whore. So now I must delve within my being to sort through or ascertain. Due to certain circumstances I am having to molest my self for my own wealth within these realm of possiblities and unforseen things that could jeapodize my emotional health; or more so, for the greater good or for the poetic warfare.

Force feeding myself glory; moreover, I regurgitate my soul finding myself embracing more questions of my being due to your maternal conditional love. Subliminally eating away at your creation.

& I scream to the top of my lungs obscenities to capture the intensity of this mental molestation of thoughts. Writing and rewriting over the smeared stains of ink and the variate ripples of the page created by tepid tear drops. Scribbling down unlettered remnants of my soul. Seeking understanding to be understood but then there's this underlying circumstance.

This circumstance in which you call being a "real man."

Through my cloudy lenses I stand before you seeing a tarnished lining. Surrounded by a dark cloud of circumstance. In an attempt to create your perfect son and your perfect man. Unknowingly to you casting a lingering black cloud over my head with ill timing.

& so I wrote, my own civil war.

In hope's of a triumphant tomorrow's Montgomery, & the return of my dear and beloved mother. My shinning silver lining.

"Right On Top Of That Rose!"

2008-06-10T21:08:00.005-04:00

MY WORKSPACE.

Summer job 2008, pharmacy help desk.

Summer job 2007, prescription mail order service & help desk.

Anyone notice a trend? Nonetheless, this is my last summer being apart of the call center subculture. & please do not be fooled it is in fact a subculture! Last summer was eventful and nearly 30% of the summer's new hire's told the little white lie that we weren't going to school. Info leaked and management hated us the duration of our stay. Hopefully, that doesn't happen again!

Blah blah blah, The pay is good and I'm expanding my knowledge base. I can tell you anything about insurance claims, patient maximums, deductibles, and anything else you would want to know. Blah blah blah, this company is a fortune 500 #2 company in something...*shrugs* but I will find out so that can be added to my resume'. & I must say I look rather ravishing on paper!

I'm sure you can catch enthusiasm! Or lack there of!

The bubblegum girls are in full force pumping about. & the hot tamales are already causing a stir. That only ='s DRAMA, DRAMA, D R A M A! By god I'm going to be as anti-social as possible. This is gonna be one hell of a summer!

This Is Putting It Nicely,

2008-06-07T20:39:00.009-04:00

I understand the fact that all things cant be so accurately recreated or recaptured using the correct verbiage or prose. & I also realize that sometimes they just need to stay in that moment of time. I feel that writing or recounting a negative situation only bundles the energy into a tightly woven covenant between you and your atmosphere, so sometimes I stray. Stray from the agreement. The commitment. The power of my own words. Simply for fear of a manifestation out of my control. Or for the sake of the recipient.

Sincerely,

The bigger person in this ordeal.

I'm a hypocrite.

2008-06-04T00:57:00.004-04:00

Let me tell you how:

I give so little but I want so much.

I am the epitome of what I don't want in a relationship.

I'm the 20 to that 80.

I've forgotten what it means to fall.

I'm selfish.

Self centered and rude.

I'm a helpless romantic with a fucked up disposition.

I don't return calls.

I don't check my voicemail.

I operate on my own time.

I run.

I don't explain myself.

I'll lead you on.

I'll turn you on.

But I want something real.

Pfft.

I deserve dirt.

Challenge me to change. Someone. Anyone.

The Fact of The Matter Is,

2008-06-02T02:44:00.004-04:00

I over simplify to keep it simple and right now there are far too many personalities on one page.

The lukewarm attractions have to cease.

I need something real.

EMERGENCY

2008-05-31T02:54:00.003-04:00

Something in my spirit told me that tonight would be a emotional night. Even in our drunken slumber truths were exposed that I don't know if I can handle. Drunken and in tune with own dudgeon's I can only write these few lines for you:

"HELP ME!"

But as a friend, where do I begin?

This is a emergency.

School boy Realness with a Macbook Twist

2008-05-27T19:46:00.008-04:00

This is a glance into my world.

Daya inspired this.

I'm usually on Y! or AIM.

Myspace or Facebook.

iTunes is always jumping.

iChat date anyone?

Leopard OSX is theeee shit.

YouTube addict. (low key)

looks around...Xtube.

c2c-i know how to work my angles.

The apple doesn't fall far from the TREE.

p.s. I went back to my sidekick today. this should be interesting.

p.s.s-if that exist. I feel like my blog is far to one sided and ambiguous. I'm not all deep and wordy all the time by far soooo lets spice things up!

WUDDDDDDDDDDD...

2008-05-27T14:12:00.008-04:00

I hate the A building at Howard University.

Officially. 1st run in & they have their foot in my ass. Hold on my account & I have to pay it off. Once I'm done with them. IM DONE! But ummmmmmrahhhh, imma still be at the homecoming this year. Get Me. Get Me.

"Thats All."

Today My Soul Opened Up.

2008-05-26T16:55:00.003-04:00

My mind teeter tottered its way to a distant land where saturated colors stood alone without the bow or the rain for that matter. Where the sultry sun marinated against deep pigments and dark hue's of complexion. Crisp melodies of wind amongst the trees sang variate staccatos between soprano and tenor octaves of song.

Variations of smile like gestures exchanged amongst dwellers. A personified realm of vivid harmony created a candy coated kaleidoscope of kinetic energy.

A natural high of life. A smile appeared across thine own face. An extension of my inner soul. Pure at the moment. Refreshed with sweet bliss.

Birds chirping, cumulus clouds in the shapes of concentrated imagination was the worlds halo.

I inhaled and embraced this pocket of space I found. Closed my eye's & said a short ecclesiastical prayer.

"Hey Big Guy, I'm thankful to be alive!"

The Tipping Point.

2008-05-26T02:48:00.010-04:00

"Maybe your too eccentric for your own lifestyle"

-R. Chicago

Most situations or circumstances always seem to reach a level of exhaustion, explosion, or exposure (The 3 E's). The undying and incessant pulse behind motives I dare not question.

___________________________________

Leg's crossed in a "T" fashion, cropped chino's expose my smooth complected ankles creating the perfect loafer cleavage as I sit in silence and watch the rising actions take place.

_______________________

As small as things may be at the moment I feel a tipping point approaching. & as much as I want to say something good is going to come out of this. I doubt it; definitely, maybe. Moreover, is it the darker side of ambition that drives me to find all this entertaining at this point? LEO's adore the status quo when in their favor & right now I feel like it's swinging my way.

Pardon me while I watch the throne be upholstered to fit my taste.

___________________________________________________________

After debating, reading, researching, thinking, & pondering. I had to revaluate my thought process. Actions such as the aforementioned would make me a really bad person. BLAH, im over. This by far has consumed too much of my energy already.

So I've reached a consensus:

I wont be such a pompous butch queen about it and cross my legs. I'll throw my fitted to the back but I still prefer to wear my loafer's without socks.

From here on today, I am a writer.

2008-05-20T19:02:00.008-04:00

Sometimes I find writing to be a Promethean task and gift that I am reluctantly thankful for. Reluctantly thankful due to the fact that a true writer is never done writing or better yet experiencing. My writing has become my way of life. My heroine pipe. & my vice. Driven by both the reemergence of new life. Mournful dark sorrows of internal conflict. & death within. Each capsule of identities lost continue to chain my heart to the pen for my mind to feed on it.

I am a writer. & I hurt.
I am a writer. & I cry.
I am a writer. & I smile.

The angels and demons within my being wont have it any other way.

I am a writer. & I have no choice in the matter.

Now Arriving in...

2008-05-18T20:48:00.009-04:00

...A NEW AMERYKAH.

A compilation of clips from the New Amerykah (Vortex) Tour. May 17th 2007.

...made specially for my viewers & facebook. *smirks*

vortex |ˈvôrˌteks|

noun ( pl. -texes or -tices |-təˌsēz|)

a mass of whirling fluid or air, esp. a whirlpool or whirlwind.

• figurative something regarded as a whirling mass : the vortex of existence.

Erykah Badu created a whirlwind of energy with performances of various numbers from all of her albums. From ballet & lyrical dancing to a symbolic performance of "Green Eye's" Ms. E. Badu simply delivered to her fans.

Her performance was full of eccentric transitions, sounds effects, and impromptu call outs of wisdom. This woman spilled art from her personality on stage. A special post mothers day edition of "Orange Moon," a crowd participatory performance of "Bag Lady" and other surprises are in store if you have your tickets for the next city she graces.

She was simply A M A Z I N G.

The Roots.

introduction & You Got Me (Snippet).

What a performance. Good music at its finest. Clark Douglas on guitar.

"Black Thought" accompanied by "Skills". & of course, ?uestlove was in attendance with his legendary fro and pick. The 1st number of the night was from what I gather the groups 1st single "Rising Up" from the 8th LP "Rising Down." Which I must add is a HOT ASS track that appeases my penchant for DC culture these days! Oh yea, Chrisette Michele is swagga splashing in the video as she rides the pocket beat and delivers her vocals...Ok, back on track--->A brief moment of song samples and instrumental solo's created the perfect vibe to usher in the one & only "Analog girl in a Digital World"

_______________________________________

If you dont already have tickets please do get them. This is not a event to miss!

The countdown.

2008-05-17T04:30:00.003-04:00

Has Ended.

_____________________________________________________

Erykah Badu.

live.

Tomorrow.

& I'll be there.

-Currently About to Sleep Peacefully.

The Howard Hills.

2008-05-15T17:08:00.039-04:00

The Fast Lane.

The Duo, Dolce & Gabbana.

The Model.

The journalist.

The Fashionista.

the Lies.

the evil.

the F A M E.

the Downfall.

the LUXUARY.

the Intersections & Politics.

the SMOKE SCREENS.

The Howard Hills.

The rules of the game were simple. Yet the politics were complicated. Either you were in or you were out. Freshman week was your time to put it all on the line. If you made the cut you climbed the social ladder. If you didnt well who know's because they did. One the other hand, he was a southern boy with a big city presence and before he knew it he was sucked in. He was thrown into the fast lane. His curious nature mixed with the thrills of the city created a whirlwind of events but he found comfort in the others.

The City was at war. & they were the young and the rich. They had collectively recreated the era of the Warhol superstars. The Black Sex & the City meets Paid in Full lifestyle. Fashion icon's, artist, photographers, celebrities, models, and journalist in their own rights, they were. Oh yea, & students. At that moment and time they were apart of their own upper echelon of creative individuals. They were the "it" kids in their eye's. They were known for off beat and innovative senses of style, their socialite tendencies, bold personalities, fashion forwardness and nonconformist attitudes. In their eye's they were the future. They were a family of dysfunctional beings in search of. On a quest. A journey full of pit stops of luxury, lust and lavishness.

But that was only from the outside looking in.

To some they made the impossible happen but to them they were barely holding on to life. By the skin of their teeth surviving the obstacles of balancing school, sexual identities, relationships, home life, and coming to terms with who they simply were. Because of their uniqueness they were thrown into the lime light forced to grow and learn in front of the masses. & they fell for it. Became their entertainment. Their muse. Their prototypes. Leading to downward spirals, betrayals, backstabbing, and the development of the seven deadliest sins amongst them.

But what will become of them all? Are some destined for an E! True Hollywood Story or just snap shots of moments had. The graduation stage or bohemian lifestyles. Memories tucked away or hidden past that they will hide from their children. Maybe one day someone will tell their story.

The story of the strangers. The youth. & city that held them, at war.

Shifting Relationships...

2008-05-12T00:53:00.015-04:00

& Karma.

Ignorant to the ramifications of the union, I packed my things and I left. Not only leaving the now unfamiliar acquired taste I once desired but also the broken pieces that created the once moving vessel.

& here you come again. Full circle.

But this time I dont move wary or unaware. Better yet, I move not at all. Here I stand, a changed man and you see. The greatness you harnessed is no longer but as I think in retrospect I cherish the ups and the downs. Two year's ago I was lost. In search of. & you met me with the same equivalence.

Greatful, I am for your being.

Neither you or I had the ability to discern our seasonal tango of existentialism but we managed. We managed to look past the obvious and cope within our circumstances. The circumstances that has us here today. Standing face to face. No longer a mirror image of idiocies and immaturity but two beings, full circle.

Our inabilities to entertain the grey area's and make it work has helped us. Our distant yet approximate dysfunctionalities aligned in our favor to allow us to stray away from the solidification of a seasonal relationship turned abusive. Today, we could go on for hours on what we should've done but I'm thankful. Thankful for the circumstance. The odd's. The ups. The downs. The distance. & the reunion. Thankful for your new vision. My new vision. Our friendship. Our change.

I'm thankful for our new relationship.

A friendship.

Full Circle.

My Own Little Happy Mess.

2008-05-07T01:37:00.005-04:00

its been a minute since I've heard a song that has taken me from one end of my emotional spectrum to the next. Words can even explain. The soulful ad-libs. Thoughtful word association and play on scenarios only takes my mind to time when I could've dedicated this song to someone. I'll let the song tell my story.

"I'm not perfect but im this, that, & this!"
-Sean Daley of Atmosphere

Be sure to check out more music from this artist.

I'm addicted.

my magnums, my weed, and my car keys...

2008-05-01T15:23:00.005-04:00

...a one liner said three times has become my current state of mind.
echoing in my head like a broken radio with no buttons of play, stop, fast forward or rewind.

exhausted with the mellow dramatic concepts of poem crying I'll simply just let this shit die.

Certain life's concepts I deal with when I please but every now and then I gotta STOP and let these words bleed.

And thats the different between you and me.

This pen has become my magnums, my weed, and my car keys.

Assault on my pad with malice aforethought I had. A murderer in a sense, suspending time with each line I spit.

my magnums, my weed, & my car keys are sometimes all the shit i think i need on this journey to uphold the essence to simply be.

Life's responsibilities are now pointing it's fingers at me. But right now I'll just say fuck it. & watch each page bleed blood...

... that are the makings of me.

To Whom This May Concern.

2008-04-29T12:50:00.006-04:00

I've been forced; yet again, to delicately construct another garment of english prose to convey these fragments. This ones short, skimpy, nice, cute and she's backless. Apart of my new summer collection. An object of my affection. & She'll be made on a canvas of mental recollection.

& I'll call her:

"Dear Summer,!"

Mother May I,

2008-04-24T16:07:00.005-04:00

Spark this shit?

Disengaged and nonchalant. My fuck it attitude has reached an all time high and my nigga like tendencies continue to elevate it. What's the worth of half the bullshit we put up with? Bullshit aint priceless and never went on sale. I cant help I choose not to dabble and hold time in my hands for the likes of some. Every nigga'z fed up from what I read but still continue to do the saaammeee ol' shit. Play the saaammeee ol' games. & ultimately reach the saaameee whack ass demise that find's themselves right back at square one. Is it my fault that your investments don't seem to match up with my calculations? Varying inconsistencies, wayward promises, and fly by night examples of what you could have, should have, or thought of doing, bore me. The fact of the matter is your approach is null, void, and inadequate leaving me to only say. FUCK IT.

Keep that shit. Save that shit. Cause' I dont want that shit. But hold on wait, I still aint Sparked this shit.

Loose rap scrambled not stirred don't appease my appetite. So dont be mad if I dont play along and act like I'm into you. Nah, we cant make love but we can make hello. You can do your job and then you gotta go. Yea, yea this is that ignorant shit you like. Fuck you real good then dont tell you goodnight. Nah, I dont need that. I can spark it...

without a light.

Now aint that some shit. My nigga like tendencies are the catalyst behind all this. Thats what yall want! Thats what yall like! Just suck that shit, no teeth...jusssst right. My bad, I aint mean no harm but I mean what more do you have to offer me? Damn sure aint love. I mean no one can get it right. Hold on, aight. I'm about to spark this shit right.

I know your probably wondering: "well damn, whats wrong with him?" You just sayin that because my thought process run's parallel with that trade you chasing in Tim's. Die a little for you? Tone my shit down? Now think about how dumb that shit sound. "Aye yo, son" I aint mad and I aint bitter. Mastering my cool sophistication is all I do. Drum roll, best supporting actor goes to you...

...I'm the only star on this shoot.

Peep my swag. Get into my steeze. & if this was a record you'd probably rewind me. Half of this shit dont even rhyme but i had to SPARK this shit for you lame ass nigga'z at least one time.

& so it's been said...

2008-04-22T14:50:00.002-04:00

I am my sexuality and my sexuality is my reality. My reality is relative

and run parallel to my individuality; therefore, when I enter a room I

automatically exude a presence that those willing to accept can't deny. Before I open my mouth you'll notice me and like minded will gravitate

towards. Those not in favor simply fall by the waste-side.

My heart shaped lips, brown eyes, and distinct aura make the perfect

formula of a entity sweetly familiar but intriguingly unknown creating a whirlwind of emotion amongst many; I move across the seletively

permiable membranes of their hearts causing a cataosrophic osmosis of

emotions. Merging two seperate entities into a state of abnormal

remifications unheard of. Cultivating the unmentionable. Delicately

persuading, I create a gesture of acceptance, of terms laid down and

sometimes reluctantly approved.

These are the chronicles.

The chronicles, of a sex symbol.

Dun Da Da Daaaa...

2008-04-16T09:28:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday RONALDDDDD

a.k.a

Mr. Chicago

& I'm back on my grind  a psychic read my lifeline  told me in my lifetime  my name would help light up the CHICAGO skyline  and that's what I'm  seven o'clock, that's primetime  heaven'll watch, God calling from the hotlines  why he keep giving us hot lines  We are star's, how could we not shine?

Ayeeeeee, my man 50 grand gotta BURF DAYYY!

B L O W.

2008-04-12T12:21:00.009-04:00

*smirks*

My cypher keeps rolling like a rolling stone...

2008-04-11T08:31:00.008-04:00

OH EM GEE...how could I forget to share. May 17th I will be seeing Erykah Badu perform live. Life changing, I'm sure. This is the most excited I've been about umm anything.

"In the studio is where I perfect the moment. A performance is where I create it!"

-e. badu

I cant say enough how much I appreciate her body of work. Single handedly she has constructed her own genre of music within the r&b community. Tickets ordered & printed one minute after they went on sale.

I was NOT playing!

Feeling Good.

2008-04-11T08:03:00.004-04:00

Last night I laid and let the deep hue of darkness comfort me. Today, the sun will shine.

Yup, today is gonna be a good day.

untitled.

2008-04-10T21:14:00.004-04:00

I take a look around and nothing seems to arouse me enough to delicately construct.

I'm being charged a penny for priceless thoughts but within these ones and zero's I find ultimate comfort in escaping the primary and tangible energy that creates what is here and what is now. A serene oasis to expel rather than consume.

I figure this is where i ramble. A little this. A little that. I guess somewhere in these lines I could challenge the concrete but for what? To have someone else hold the passion of my pen would be a injustice to not only me but also to my craft. As I lay oblivious as to what ever it is I want to convey I feel just as the aforementioned.

The need for space. I was just throughly interrupted my none other than mother dearest and lost my line of thought. Her inability to see that I need space is creating a hostile environment for the both of us. Its not unusual for me to want to retreat and I cant do that here. I guess I could call myself an escape-st (if thats a word) constantly seeking the perfect enclave to simply be.

EUREKA! To simply be. But is simply being enough when the demands of the world require you to not be but also adhere to the stipulations and ramifications of its selfish needs? SELF. But is my obsession to simply be creating a selfish me? Somewhere within life's contract has to be a supreme clause that can get me out of the works of the greater good and having to give a fuck because honestly, I dont.

I could go on and on about it all, fluff. Just the extraness that negates the principle, the primary, shit the essence. Ahhhh, back to this topic. My, My, My must i over complicate things with existentialism. But I digress, i guess my own selfish pursuits will create it's own existentialist path; however, that would cancel out my faith which states he (being the higher power) knows my destiny. So I guess i can throw that ideal in the mental fluff pile.

Mannnn yooo, I just dont even know my life just seems rather oxymoronic but Im still trying to figure out when this post became about my life moreover when i actually found something to write about. It feels good just to touch on all the random thoughts. Just let it flow.

I reread previous journals and I constantly use to refer to things as being time sensitive. I wonder what happened to that sense of urgency. I know amongst all this ugh and blah is something amazing i guess when i decide to simply be it will work itself out. My overly analytical sense only masquerades the beauty of simplicity into a intricate enigmatic bitch of a puzzle where several pieces are missing.

Can I fucking live?

Yeaaa, slick comments do come in bulk...

2008-04-10T20:27:00.006-04:00

But not this time.

Indifferent is the opposite of love, not hate. Lethargic state...

less, is more. press play.

Umm...

2008-04-08T17:19:00.011-04:00

I'm here. I'm a little worried.
I want to write but i cant.
I have alot to say but dont know how to say it.
I'm fine but im worried.
I'm calm but im tensed.
Oxymoronic, my life.

Now im really pissed. I cant seem to take this underline thingy off the font. UGH.

So lets start slow: People baffle me beyond belief being overly judgmental. I've taken time to just watch the actions of some people and I dont like what I see. I'll leave it at that for the time being. Besides, I pick and choose what I want to deal with so that trivial shit with you, yall and them. PAID.

I'm over being home. The semester away from Howard has done a number on me. Dont get me wrong the time off was needed. Lots of growth has come from me being away from the thirsty world of a Howard University student. For some reason that place seems to suck all of who know's what out of you. Its just draining. Eye Dee Kay!

Next, lets see: My sexuality has become the heated topic of discussion around my home. The religious ramifications have me stuck between a bullet and a target. I dont want to give this too much thought now. Meanwhile, this weekend i saw my ex-girlfriend. My how things have changed. I feel responsible for some of the wrong turns and speed bumps she's taken. We now both face each other looking at two totally transformed people. Whatever, I dont wonna talk about it.

UGH, what else. I'm alone. & I've started to like it that way. I've fallen back in love with myself. My qwerkyness<----see shit like that. I think i misspelled that. I was lost and needed to regain my composure. At one point and time i felt i had simply given myself all out. I once woke up greeting the world with: "here you go, whats left of me." Thank god, I'm back.

oh fuck it, im back to blogging. I dont know how to get all this shit out. & for what, no one reads this thing. Or maybe someone is...hmmm, whatever. I miss Squirt but I'll never tell him. Maybe, this will. Thats if he still tunes in.

Mixed emotions. Rambling. Uncertainty are the fuel behind this post. Its still some things out in the universe that are mine that still remain unclaimed. Things i had but lost. Things ive never thought i'd own. Just things. People. Items. STUFF. Meanwhile, I'll work on picking up good vibrations. Creating a paradigm shift of my aura. My perception of people have changed. I've been praying for a discerning ability and i think im slowly beginning to develop it. The people i once saw all good i now question. Even from a distance. I mean this only matters if it concerns me and my positive progression. The rest of the masses can kiss my ass as far as that goes.

BLAH. One big as BLAHHHH for record. I'm about to amp shit up. I've been lounging to damn much. Eating to much. I feel like my face is getting fat and anyone who knows me knows that's my worst fear. A light diet, I see. Just a light cut back. I'm damn near slipping away before light anyway so the last thing i need is to lose a substantial amount of weight. I'm still unemployed and that's becoming overwhelming unfabulous. The weathers changing and my summer line isnt up to par. I guess since this is my blog's coming out the post will get more interesting. Hold tight, this isnt for the faint of heart. OOWW.

CHAT.back...

2008-03-22T11:13:00.003-04:00

Its been a while. I know.

We are here now and thats all that matters. I ♥ my mac book and i must say KATE is my new mistress. Its a saturday morning and i feel great. After an intense GQ session i think im ready to return to my socialite tendencies. blah blah blah...I pick up my sidekick these days and its missing icons & i havent heard my ring tone in days. Social isolation i suppose. Nonetheless, it was needed. SAMO-same ol shit. Pfft, got that right. I think its time to spice things back up. A little dash here and there. Spring is approaching and a must have on my list is the damier canvas Louis Vuitton sneakers. Why? Eye dee kay. To kick around in. I'm not a big fan of obvious labels but i think i owe it to myself. Less is more these days so i may trash that whole idea and be bohemian and indie and opt for a pair of converse. Grabbing my stationaries and addressing some things. Tying up loose ends. Its time for me to make sure they see my face.

I'm back to feeling myself.

FUCK that.

2008-03-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

rain.

2008-03-15T19:33:00.002-04:00

I havent posted in quite sometime. Its raining outside and i love a nice thunderstorm. Its saturday & I'm sure by monday I'll have something to talk about. As a matter of fact, by later on tonight there will be another post. I'll keep my bottle near. Thats when the flood gates open. I'm not going to rehab.

. . . T E L E P H O N E.

2008-03-09T21:24:00.003-04:00

&iT's Old Dirty

I ran across something interesting & wanted to share.

"Telephone" - last track of the album inspired by a story Dilla's mother told Badu. Evidently during his final days, Dilla would float in and out of coherence, having very real conversations with people no one else could see. One of these people, as Dilla told his mother, was ODB. Dirty was telling Dilla that when he gets to the other side not to get on the red bus, though it was inviting. The white bus would be the one to pick him up. Great, beautiful song. Lyric: "Telephone! It's Old Dirty. He wants to give you directions home." Only Badu could make ODB sound like a visionary guide through the afterlife. When people say funerals are celebrations of an individual's life (as they fight back tears and look anything but celebratory), this song makes you believe it. The track closes with the uplifting words "Celebrate tonight" repeated."

I wonder what else is underlying within this album. I must say its only for the conscious listener & she can only be respected for this piece. I admire every eccentric element.